not dead yet!

man i was in a bad place last time i wrote an entry.. thought i should make an update so things dont look quite so concerning. i told my dad im trans and i got pretty much the best reaction i could have hoped for with what i know about him. he hasnt told anyone else and seems like he at least respects me enough to understand its my choice even if he keeps using my deadname -_- next time im alone with him ill need to confront him about that.. just want him to at least attempt to call me lee

i also made an appointment with a private clinic !!! its just under 5 weeks away and i cannot wait, every day im checking my calendar and updating my internal countdown. it was super expensive and i need to go to 3 before i can be prescribed anything but it feels pretty amazing to actually be finally making some kind of progress... still pretty worried about my mothers reaction but ill deal with that when we get to it, currently planning not to tell her until idk. my voice breaks and i cant hide it anymore loll

outside of family issues im still hoping to get to a convention so im trying to make some merch that would do well there :] rn im working on ace attorney pins of the defense and prosecutor badges and i started reading dungeon meshi bc its so popular rn i thought it would be a good merch candidate and im really liking it! love the art style its so cute. ive also been reading death note and im planning to brainstorm some product ideas for that soon.. getting into needle felting again too, im just doing a little kit i got for christmas rn but im hoping to get good enough to make some pokemon i think those could be really popular :3

one last project im working on is turning our dining room into a music studio 4 my sister :D (we got a free grand piano from facebook so it is now very much a music room) i cant play music at all but i still love mixing and my sister wants a composing portfolio so im going to be helping her with logic and recording and production stuff which i have started to miss a little after dropping out u_u i always liked that part everything else though was just getting to much pressure to handle when i was constantly suicidal and freaked out. counselling has been a big help and making my clinic appointment has finally given me some hope for the future. now feel like things wont be like this forever thank GOD!!

feeling: honestly not too bad!

currently listening: broken cash machine - modern baseball

11:48 15/03/2024

blowing up my life

alrighttt things have not being going great for me recently and im about to make them much worse real soon. i dropped out of college and that has made me realise that nothing is ever going to change for me unless i out myself to my parents. my mental health is way too wrecked for employment and doing nothing just keeps me trapped miserable and terrified for the rest of my life. the current plan is to use my next counselling meeting to discuss everything that might happen with nico (my counsellor) who has been really great and supportive and then have my dad attend the one after that with me so i can tell him im trans and i wont be alone when he inevitably freaks out. im also planning for the worst case scenario right now which is him telling my mother and both of them coordinating to make sure i regret letting them know for the rest of my life. if this happens i will be either dead or homeless in a few weeks, i have a plan for my first day on my own if it comes to that which i really hope it doesnt. i do have a doctors appointment first thing the morning after which now that i think about it seems like the best time possible. i can put off overdosing for that one night if everything goes wrong at least..

what im hoping for is my dad to promise to keep it a secret, saying he loves me no matter what and allowing to me to see a gendercare psychologist. these all feel really unlikely but i know without trying im not going to get anywhere in life. i dont really expect much from anyone who sees this but in case u wanna help me out heres my kofi and thank u so so much if u do donate anything <3

feeling: terrified to be honest...

currently listening: self destruct - origami angel

17:35 02/02/2024

2024 album project

since its list season i once again want to be a guy who listens to currrently relevant music and has opinions about it so im making public my intentions to listen to at least one album released in every month of next year and write abt it on my site. i'm not a writer at all and my analysis of anything i like doesnt stretch much past "yayyy yayy fun noises yipeeeee ^_^" but i still want to try it. hoping it gives me at least a small amount of purpose and will result in me finding more cool new bands :) and hey maybe i'll even get better at discussing music. until then here are the songs i've been listening to a lot recently/thoughts on the few 2023 releases i did listen to

december 2023 on repeat (collated by me not spotify)

  • gloomtown brats - i dont know how but they found me (kind of ehh about what love but im really into this ^_^ great bass + the spoken word/white boy rap part feels very ima robot to me soo excited for the rest of the album)
  • 15 minutes - mike krol (rewatched steven universe + remembered how much i love this song.. thank u gay pearl)
  • pavlove - fall out boy (one of my absolute FAVE demos finally released from youtube prison :3 cant believe shes on spotify now.. austin we have a problem next
  • newport living - cute is what we aim for (came up on smart shuffle.. save me trash tier pop punk from 2006)
  • you won't - origami angel (my main gami gang song is constatly rotating but this is probably the one im listening to the most rn)
  • on the radio - spoon (kind of an honourable mention it hasnt been a huge december song 4 me but it is one i kept coming back to the whole year + 3rd on my top tracks of 2023)

2023 releases i actually listened to

  • so much (for) stardust - fall out boy
  • - album of the year. stunning showstopping spectactular. i'll save everything i have to say for my eventual fob shrine and just leave it with my top tracks for now which are probably hold me like a grudge, fake out and the title track

  • the brightest days - origami angel
  • - fitting album to find as u slip into maybe ur worst winter depression yet.. anyways this is a mixtape actually, 8 songs and 22 minutes long, themed around summer specifically missing the ones from your childhood. my fave tracks are kobayashi maru bc of its high energy, second best friend, love the main riff and the lyrics are really close to how ive felt about anyone i've gotten even marginally close to, and few and far between. originally got kind of a lame centrist vibe from it but after giving it some more thought i dont think thats what its about and as someone who isnt even american i really have no idea what its like to live in/near DC. i now see it more about how there are really no good options for president in either political party as the only choice is genocide joe or american hitler if he was also a cult leader, and how powerless that can make you feel.

  • this is why - paramore
  • - fake paramore fan i dont really remember this album all that well. i did like all the singles though my faves are probably the title track and the news

  • guts - olivia rodrigo
  • - only listened to this today bc i wanted one more thing on this list and its some practice for next year :] i'll be keeping this one short though. all american bitch is really fun, vampire idk i think todd in the shadows was right that the lyrics are a bit clumsy but i dont know if its worst list material. there are some elements i enjoy like how it builds but i do wish more was done with that. ballad of a homeschooled girl is strong might be one of my faves. i think shes at her best when making rock influenced songs but that could be my bias showing. im not really a ballad guy but the grudge and teenage dream are probably the best of that category. i really enjoyed get him back particularly the chorus + bridge. top tracks on my first listen are probably get him back!!, ballad of a homeschooled girl, love is embarassing and all american bitch. can't narrow them down to three yet i'd need a few more listens.

feeling: hungry

currently listening: makedamnsure - taking back sunday

14:50 28/12/2023

two posts in one day??

as i was writing about my acnh plan i felt like also writing a bit about how my life has been going recently which is. bad -_- i have started taking sertraline which will maybe make things better in another month or whatever i have one week left before i move up to the maximum dose. i also have to take them in secret everyday bc i would be thrown in the dungeon for one million years if my mother knew i saw any mental health professional. every single time in the past shes said its all my fault and i did it to myself and if i disagree im stupid etc etc.. im also seeing two counsellors one at college and one for trans ppl. for the latter i started keeping a mood journal and filling out an anxiety symptons checklist everyday which will hopefully be of some use next time i see him after christmas. i havent attended college at all really (except for my counselling sessions) for like 2 months i think?? starting out the NEET life i was always destined to have until i finally kms earlier than expected. honestly it was probably a bad idea to write this i knowww thinking abt my life is a really quick shortcut 2 suicial ideation but whatever. time 2 talk about something else i think

while i havent been going to college i have still been going to the theatre and did the sound for four of the pantomime shows. was kind of fun but mostly very stressful bc my laptop would always skip certain tracks causing slight timing issues and some of the actors are annoying and i think were complaining abt me to the person who usually does the sound. theres an after show gathering next week but idk if i'll go. i know i wont like it but i might end up going anyway

i got really into the idea of tabling at artist alley for a while but i have zero interest in drawing rn so i don't expect to get enough stock made. i do have a ton of ideas though. diversifying bc idk how popular my fob merch would be lol some of my fave plans are doctor who tardis shakers, an owl house shaker of the collector + the puppet versions of all the characters, su acrylic charms for all the main gems (these might also be shakers but rn im leaning more towards just regular charms), acnh washi tape for every personality + emo and scene tape and lastly bc i have way too many to list all the ideas pin badges that r merch for fictional bands like the gavinners aceattorney or sadie killer su. one thing i have actually done though is design a new pin which arrived yesterday and im very close to getting samples for my ita bags sent to me :] really the only thing im excited about rn i cant wait to see them for real!!

(one extra thing i did get wonder years tickets and it was a really great show :3 ofc i also saw fob and stayed outside to try and meet them 4 the first time ever. i didnt get to see them and stayed up until 3am for nothing but it was an interesting experience at least)

feeling: i dont wanna talk abt it -_-

listening: dead on arrival - fall out boy

22:01 14/12/23

save me acnh.....

been playing a bunch of animal crossing recently which has made me want somewhere to share my island so ive started work on a page 4 that, forgot web design can actually be fun ... hoping it inspires me enough to fix the mess that is my homepage idk why i struggle so much with it T__T thinking of using neocities a lot more bc all other social media makes me TOO SAD!! although there is always the potential looking at all the websites better than mine will have the same effect orz

i dont feel like uploading screenshots rn so i'll just type my plans which is an autumn themed page with brown ac grass 4 the background, the image im using doesnt tile correctly which i might fix at some point but i think its fine for now. going to be a real simple layout bc those r the only ones that come easy 2 me, very similar to this page actually, a centre main box 4 text and pics of my island and apple trees on either side of it bc they're my native fruit :] hope i find a png i dont want to have to draw one myself rn -_-

if i feel like making things more complicated i might try to do something where a reader can choose "newest first" if u just wanted to see the latest posts (if keep this up lol) but thats not a priority rn when i only have one post.

feeling: not currently suicidal which is pretty rare yayyy

listening: the hardest cut - spoon

20:41 14/12/2023

funeral for a friend

not really feeling like updating this site rn but i was shadowing at another concert which i feel like i should write abt everytime bc its the only vaguely cool + interesting thing i ever do lol. anyway this time it was funeral for a friend which was really fun finally doing it 4 a genre i regularly listen to :) i hadnt heard any of their songs previously but i have been listening to juneau tons now. thinking of listening 2 some of the albums that arent casually dressed soon.. anyway the experience was really interesting the venue has a new setup with all the amps under the stage which i got to see and i got shown some other technical things that i would probably be bad at explaining. i did test all the inputs 4 the monitor desk mostly by myself until i found half of them werent working. the dog was there again she always is :3 and the backstage pass i got was a generic one again. sad! none of the subsequent acts ive seen have been on carlys level aesthetically. sometime when i have motivation i will take photos of my passes and post them on my collections page i just kind of hate uploading photos in html -_- social media wins this round easily unfortunately.. i actually dont know where it is rn but it shouldnt be too far away probably just under something on the floor in my room or in the car. i really hope it isnt missing but i dont think it would be. anyway the show was really fun, crazy coincidence involving the opener actually. a few days before i heard a guy at college playing a cover of maneater that sounded kind of cool and i assumed was from punk goes pop or something like that i could find at home. turns out i couldnt find it and forgot abt it until the opening band played it at the concert. They're called dead pony and were pretty good i might listen 2 their originals some time. next was dashboard confessional which i wasnt that into but vindicated was fun since i knew that one :) didnt know any of the ffaf songs either but they were more my taste so i liked it more :]

mostly unrelated 2 the concert apart from the audio connection but i started volunteering at a local theatre and i did the sound for one of their plays last week :) didnt have a lot to do just play three sounds and help with the lights a little (pull the master down twice so a there can be a spotlight) but it was pretty cool 2 get some outside of college experience. would like to know more abt lighting it seems cool. pantomime is next but there isnt really anything for me to do until everyone knows their lines so i wont be back for a few weeks. one more music related thing is im trying soo hard to get wonder years tickets so i can see origami angel but no one is reselling them T_T i just discovered them recently and i really love everything i've heard it reminds me of all the things i liked abt early waterparks that are all gone now awsten sucks -_- still got a few weeks im hoping that there will be some resell tickets available in like the week before it happens when maybe some people realise they cant make it. if not i guess i will just lie on the floor and let my dreams take me to somewhere city instead orz

feeling: like its a good thing im seeing a psychiatrist today

listening: the title track - orgami angel

12:11 11/10/2023

why i've been gone

man its been so long.... honestly didn't really want 2 log in 4 a while bc ive been feeling kind of embarassed by this site u_u have currently only opened the html editor + nothing else bc i dont want to see the rest of it lollll hopefully i will come up with some new ideas and make it better soon.

anyway i just got back from travelling with my sister 4 a few days we went to belgium and the netherlands and im thinking of making a travel diary page abt it so i will give more detail there :) rn i feel pretty bad i guess im heading into another depressive episode, they generally dont last too long so i should be better by the time i start college again i do not want to be constantly on the edge of tears while i have to be in public -_-

some kind of exciting news is that abt 2 months ago i finally signed up 4 the gender clinic waitlist yippeeee there are 5 full years of people ahead of me on it so i will be surprised if i get a first appointment before im 50 but its something! always planned 2 go private anyway nhs transition is practically impossible but its better to be on the waitlist than off. one more fun thing is the america's suiteheart pins i first designed last year finally have been made real and are for sale! im so happy with how they turned out i think they're so cute :)

feeling: sad and sweaty

listening: what you know - two door cinema club

11:46 14/8/2023

de la soul setup

had another work experience day this time for de la soul :) didnt enjoy it as much as last time but that was mostly just bc i was tired and kind of anxious. was still interesting though got another backstage pass 4 my collection (no custom art this time. SAD!) the dog from last time was here and wearing a little stage crew harness which was very cute. spent more time on stage and set up a couple mic stands so that was something new. got more free food (greggs yum-yum + pepsi from the bar ^_^) and during the support DJ had a little control over the channel but was generally too nervous to do anything >_> was cool to see how simple and easy a DJ setup is though with more confidence i could definitely do the sound for any kind of DJ event :] show was decent but i mostly just wanted to leave at that point u_u discovered my ear plugs were missing so when i got home booked a test to get custom ones made 4 next time :3

i think i would have enjoyed it more if either 1) it was an artist i was more interested in or 2) had more to do lol

feeling: not much..

listening: jenny nicholson evermore video (my current go to background noise vid :])

14:39 12/4/2023

site update

been a while! didnt want to work on this 4 a while bc i was too sad but im good now and have a few changes finished ^_^
updated the home page again which i think is just going to be permanently under construction. it now has a to do list so i dont forget anything and a q+a box with very few questions bc i couldnt really think of any lol. at least i have a site specific email u can send me some with now :] i removed the stamps bc i wanted them to scroll and couldn't get it to work so just gave up on them. will try and bring those back eventually but 4 now theres nothing -_- last home update was making a status cafe account and using that 4 my status box instead of my diy one. heres how the page used to look:

the other page i finished was my dog page :3 pretty happy with this one not a ton to say about it. my next page i work on will probably be 4 my interests or an update to my collections bc that thing hasnt been touched in over a year and is very out of date.

feeling: better than last month!!

listening: on the radio - spoon

11:28 8/4/2023

teeth time

i finished my invisalign yesterday and got my permanent retainers put in and it feels soo weird... tbh it doesnt feel that different to wearing aligners which i think is kind of what makes it feel so strange that i now need to eat with these in. very excited to be able to eat and drink whenever i want again without needing to brush my teeth after and find some place 4 the aligners though!! ^_^ also got a 3d print of my teeth which can join the plaster cast i already have from the first time i got braces. kind of cool to see the technology change in just the teeth scans they give you.

have also started watching those aesthetic room makeovers on youtube again so im trying to clean mine. going to take soo long but im in the process of sorting out my main clothes storage areas and im starting 2 see the floor which is nice ^_^ when its completely clear i want to try rugmaking id love one that looks like a CD i think they're so cool :] while organising my wardrobe i found a khaki shirt from an old cosplay that i thought could be fun to try customising in some way bc i never wear it as is. i also have a maroon sweater from a mae nitw cosplay which has also been worn 1 time only which i would like to try add stripes to with tie dye or something. im always nervous to customise clothes bc im scared i will ruin it but i dont need to worry abt that with these :3

last thing in my room i found worth mentioning is a crochet kit thats been taking up space 4ever that i've finally decided to open. it makes 5 different things and ive started with the cactus. so far ive only made the bottom of the pot but i really want to actually finish a craft for once so im writing abt it here to motivate me 2 finish and take progress photos that i can later add to this site!

feeling: like im wearing braces backwards.. which is basically what it is

listening: hollywood baby - 100 gecs

16:25 3/3/2023

sickness and polls

starting these posts with being backstage at a concert is kind of a high bar for any other of these to clear loll my life is usually not that interesting. currently feeling a little gross ive had a mild cold on and off for like the past 2 weeks or something i really miss when everyone wore masks all the time T_T cant we just be like countries in asia and wear them whenever ur sick even unrelated 2 covid ??? i dont think i got ill once in 2020 or 2021..

college wasnt on monday and tuesday this week and i missed my monday class last week so so im kind of nervous for next time bc i think we're meant to have a presentation completed and i am nowhere near done >_> yesterday was my live sound class and another guy told everyone abt his experience at the venue the day after me and said his band spilled beer on a synth and took out the whole backline and later had to end the show early bc they got too drunk loll crj would NEVER. apparently this had never happened at that venue before and after the show they immediately cancelled their US tour o_o

have also been having lots of fun running a bandom ship tournament on tumblr now we have polls ^_^ i know no ones reading these posts rn so by the time anyone does read these who might also be interested in taking part it will be completed but im planning on doing it every february from now on so theres always next year!! its the semifinal rn petekey vs frerard and peterick vs gabilliam :3 joetrick put up an AMAZING fight against big grank in the last round they were so much stronger than petekey is currently lol

feeling: comfy cozy wearing my so nice tour hoodie for the first time :3

listening: told you so - paramore

12:47 16/2/23

site thoughts

blog is coming along nicely !! on to just adding gifs and decorations and stuff :] really like how it looks rn but its making me kind of dissatisfied with my home page -_- i dont think ill change it too much but i want to make it all a little more compact and maybe add more to it but im not sure what yet.... need to change the navigation i think, all the different gifs kind of throws off the theme. do want 2 keep the myspace one though will need 2 figure out some way to incorporate it into a more normal navbar somehow. other navbar changes i want to make r combine all the interests in one page, add a pixel art page, a links page and maybe one for some shrines :3c

heres how the home page looks now before i change anything

as u can see everything looks kind of stretched out and far apart which i dont rlly like u_u will probably need 2 make some kind of plan before i fix it though i dont want to mess things up!!

mood: thinking..

listening: and now i'm nothing - the wonder years

17:39 12/2/2023

javascript time...

starting javascript x_x sooo much more difficult but i think im getting there.. the goal for this page is to have three categories of post. "life" for irl stuff, "web" for writing about my coding process or site projects im working on and then "other" for anything else i feel like talking about. i want to be able to select just one category at a time using the sidebar and hide all the others which shouldnt be too hard i hope >_> fingers crossed !!!

how it looks rn lol aesthetics will come LATER

mood: hopeful!

listening: damn you look good and im drunk - cobra starship

17:21 11/2/2023

carly show setup :3

finally inspired to start working on my site again bc i just really need to write abt yesterday it was soo cool. For my college class we get to go to concerts and watch all the setup for work experience and yesterday was my first one ever and it was carly rae jepsen ^_^ soo lucky she was my fave out of all the options even if i previously had only heard like 4 songs lol.

woke up super early (4 me...) bc i wanted to make sure i wasnt late and got the train to the venue. was a bit of sitting around but i watched ppl bringing in all the flight cases (counted at least 36) and set up the lights and giant glittery curtain. the FOH guys who i was with most of the day were all nice 2 me and bought me greggs and gave me free pepsi from the bar :] someone in the crew brought their dog and she was soo cute and would give ppl high fives and was really friendly <33 i think she was a staffordshire but im not sure.

i got shown the desk and power cables and some of the stage and a little abt lighting (carlys tour lighting guy has the most expensive console in the world..) which seems pretty cool but we just do audio at college. maybe i should get that program where u can design light shows if i remember what its called.. watched carlys FOH guy do a virtual sound check with the recordings from the previous show and talked to him a bit abt the desk and any questions i had. have a bit more of an idea of how the desks they use there work now i could probably do everything i know how to do at college on it (so pretty basic lol) watched the live soundcheck and found out ur not supposed to film during it x_x the vip ticket holders were let in after the opener did his sound check and i watched the q and a. most stand out part being crjs grandmother always reccommending a romance book that she took on tour after her death + it turned out 2 be a super bad bodice ripper that she could only read a few pages at a time lolll.

i went to catering after, was very cool to go to staff only areas, and got some nice pasta with vegan meatballs :) crjs assistant and FOH guy were there with i think some other members of her team (only know one of them was her assistant bc she mentioned that she'd only been doing it 4 like two months and this was her first tour)

after dinner i bought a hoodie as a nice thing 2 have from my first backstage/crew experience and watched the show ^_^ did need to show my backstage pass to get back in looking forward 2 collecting those :3 the opener was lewis ofman (french dance musician) and his setup was pretty simple i could follow along with everything the FOH guy was doing. not so much for carlys set way more channels and her FOH guy used a channel setup im not used to but i had a really good time watching the performance anyway :D i waited around a little after to talk to one of the manager guys who was the reason i was allowed to be there, saved a couple confetti pieces then went home :) really excited for my next visit ^_^

mood: chill :)

listening: emotion - carly rae jepsen (+ beach house.. theyre just going back and forth in my brain rn)

01:29 10/2/2023

nothing here yet!!